The late August heat beat down on the girl’s sunburnt, exposed arms. The folding chair was fraying at its edges and the stray pieces of mesh pricked her thigh, leaving little white marks.The air was hot and sticky, each breath more stifling than the last. She could feel the heavy humidity pushing down on her chest like gravity. The girl wore a black cloth sundress. She hated the bulky, cumbersome material, but it wasn’t her choice. Her mother pleaded with her to wear it, insisting it was the only appropriate dress for church. The family hadn't gone to church in months, not since the funeral. The girl sighed, thinking back to the tedious half hour drive to the chapel she had spent in the car with her parents earlier that Sunday morning. Her father sat blankly behind the steering wheel and her mother glared at window in avoidance. The six hour drive to the cabin the previous day had been more than she could take, hardly a word was spoken the whole trip. It had been three months and her parents still didn’t know how to act around their daughter. But they still tried, even if it was only in vain. She appreciated her parent’s useless attempts to get her out of the house, though not enough to actually leave the safe comfort of her bedroom. Maybe some fresh air and change of scenery could bring her back. If only it were that simple. She knew a family vacation change the past, no matter how much she wished it. It wouldn’t be any easier here than it had been at home. This place wasn’t the escape for her it used to be, there were too many memories of things now gone holding her back. He was gone, and no beautiful sunset or walk on the beach could fill the void. I miss you.
Rolling over to the side, she felt the sun on her back. She missed that of feeling being in the light, it had been so long. She reached out her arm, feeling the tall wild grass beneath her. A tiny lady bug crawled up a blade of grass and fell again on its back. Her mind wandered, what's next. The future scared her now, in a way it never had before, day after day, month after month. Only things to pass the time, going through the motions.
Restlessly shifting again, she surveyed the surroundings, her neck was stiff from laying awkwardly on the flimsy foldable lawn chair. How long had she been sitting outside? One hour, maybe two? It wasn’t as if she enjoyed sitting by herself on an uncomfortably hot afternoon, rather there was nothing else to do. There was a certain stillness to the country that she no longer understood how to appreciate. What am I supposed to do now? She propped herself on the chair, arms crossed, eyes squinting. The sports shed near the edge of the property had long been boarded up, not that she had a strong desire to break out the sparkly hula hoop or half deflated volleyball from summers past. Wifi was hard to come by this far up north, so an afternoon of binge watching her beloved mind numbing television was definitely out of the question. Something out of corner of her eye caught her attention. Almost immediately she focused on the tall oak tree to the right of the sports shed. She had forgotten. How could I forget? The engraving was still there, on the lowest branch. Pushing away a strand of dark brown hair, she rose to her feet. The soft grass felt warm brushing against her toes. She cautiously approached the oak, ever so carefully, one missed step and it would all disappear. She felt the rough bark, tracing the carving with her hand. Memories flooded back, it felt clear. That summer had been the best of her life. They spent everyday together, swimming in the clear blue waters, running along the sandy beach. It had only been a year since they sat under the tree, but to her it felt like another lifetime, someone else’s. She wished she could go back to the first time they met. Just to relive it once would be enough, to enjoy it and appreciate every word spoken and subtle look exchanged. Or maybe just to avoid their first meeting all together, walk away while she still could and spare herself the heartbreak.
It had been a typical summer day, no expectations. She spent that afternoon like every other, reading by the pier. The girl loved afternoons spent buried in an old book, she loved the feel of the fraying spine and the musky smell of their cabin’s library. The wooden pier was bustling with summer life, laughing, swimming, pushing unsuspecting friends into clear Michigan water. But the girl prefered to sit out of action. She sat back and observed life being lived around her, she always had. Watching from the pier, it was comforting. Of course, their first meeting hadn’t been graceful or poetic like the books she read, but it had still felt perfect.
It came from out of nowhere, and just like that she tripped, headfirst, onto the hard wooden floor beneath. “Hey!” She could see a crowd of people standing over her, one boy pushed through and knelt by her side. “Hey are you alright? That looked like a pretty bad fall.” He reached out his arm and pulled her to her feet. The crowd dispersed, going back to their summer activities with peace of mind. Their eyes meet briefly, she blushed and looked down at her sandy feet. “Yeah, I’ll be fine, if I ever live down the embarrassment” she said, dusting her herself off with a shy smile, “but thanks. I must seem pretty clumsy, huh?”
He smiled, picking up her bag from the ground, “Not in the least, trust me I’ve definitely done much worse.”
“Please, falling on my face in front the whole beach? I seriously doubt it.”
“Try me. Last year, the morning before my first day at this new school, I walked into a glass door in front of everyone,”he continued, “it gets worse! I saw the blood and passed out. They had to call an ambulance before I could even make it to my locker.Trust me, not the best first impression.” he confessed with a slight smile.
She covered her laugh with a cupped hand, “Well, that does make me feel a little bit better.”
“Good.” This time their eyes met they didn’t look away. “Hey, I’ve seen you before. You come around here a lot don’t you?”
“Yeah I guess I do. You’ve seen me before?”
“Yeah, you’re the girl who’s always sitting on the end of the pier. I don’t know I’ve never had the guts to talk to you before, you seem so interesting. I guess you falling seemed like as good a time as any to finally introduce myself.”
“Really?” She couldn’t hide her smile, “What about me could possibly be so interesting?”
“You’re always here by yourself, reading a book, watching the beach, staring at the sunset-”
“So I’m a loser?” she smirked.
“No,” he laughed, “not like that. You look thoughtful, like you notice every little detail. You seem different. In a good way,” he added. He thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. But not in an obvious way, in the best way, as though she had no idea how beautiful she was.
“So,” she started, “what brings you here so often, you know, when you’re not rescuing girls from near death experiences?”
“I don’t know. I just like being by the water I guess. It helps me think, get away from everything, you know?” She did. “I was actually just gonna walk over to town, if you wanted to come with me? I mean, if you’re not doing anything,” she smiled at his unexpected nervousness.
“I should really get home soon, my parents will kill me if I miss dinner again,”
“Next time,” he smiled again, “some friends and I are having a bonfire tomorrow night you should come.”
“Well, you know where to find me.” He left down the pier, goofily turning back around three times to wave goodbye to her.
It started casually enough, but after not too long they were inseparable. They had found themselves in each other. She felt infinite back then, like anything was possible. Life was her’s to live. I miss those days. Things were different now, complicated. There were always questions, so many questions. Why did you leave. Where did you go. Why wasn’t I there. No answer.
She remembered back to that afternoon, when they carved their names, the way the setting sunlight danced through the trees. The forest was still with life, it looked like an oil painting that belonged in the Louvre. The leaves of the beach trees floated in the breeze like water colors, they looked almost iridescent. The two walked for hours, through the field, the forest, the old stone path to the beach. And they talked, about anything and everything. That was what she loved the most. Their inside jokes, heated debates, the way his kind blue eyes lit up when he talked about something important to him. Always talking, always sharing, always living in the moment. She could remember that moment, when he took his hand in her’s, looking at her as though no one had ever looked at someone quite like that before. I love you.
A bumble bee swirled past, and the girl was awoken from her trance. Reality set in again, as it had so many times before. She knelt to ground and sat with crossed legs, laying her head against the strong tree trunk. The branches canopied over her and the lowest leaves tickled the top of her head. She could feel all the painful memories of that fateful last day come back with the realization of her loss. Breathe. The phone call, the shock, the pleading to God. Breathe. It had happened so abruptly. One second he was there and the next her world came crashing down. She felt the grief in waves, like tides washing over her. It was everyone’s fault yet no one’s. For a while after after it happened, she couldn’t remember the details of that day, she would forget, block it out. Pieces would come back, flashing before her eyes at night. She had forgotten what it felt like to enjoy a restful sleep. What was the last thing I said to you? It was one thing the girl couldn’t remember and the only thing she wished she could.
Her hand dropped from the bark, limbs felt heavy. I can’t be here. The world started to get smaller, she needed to escape. It was too much, too real. She pushed herself up and shakily made her way across the lawn to the gravel driveway. Breathe. Swinging open the door of the station wagon she firmly grasped the steering wheel, hands at ten and two. She took a long deep breath. The familiar sound of the old family car’s engine was calming to the girl, it reminded her of carefree times. Those days spent learning how to drive in the old truck by the pond. Breezy summer nights, ice cream, sunsets, laughter. Breathe. Pushing away another tear. She turned the key in the ignition and sped off onto the bumpy country highway in one swift motion. Passing tree after tree, they turned into a blur outside her window. Street bled into street, town into town, and after a time they all looked the same, indistinguishable from inside the speeding car. The girl didn’t know where she was going, but that she would drive on, headfirst, into the horizon. The sun was setting soon, and she would be there say goodbye.
